Every time when comes to writing in this holiday period in Beijing, I am more than exciting to sit down, get my laptop out and start to take some notes. This trip home this time to me seems like a dream that never wakes up, I prefer that way and enjoy it very much, without a down to earth plan, without a serious mind about what I am actually doing in my current life, and rest of them. Sometimes I think being myself is bit selfish, using my prospective to understand surroundings and reflect back to my emotional feeling is bit too much self centred. There will not be a space for others, to accept what other people think about me, and how healthy my life and characteristics is.
Writing this blog makes me calm down a lot to think about what I have done wrong in recent events, for example, what I said or did may hurt other people’s feeling, in order to improve and alter myself in a better way for future references. Back to Beijing talking with friends is one of the parts to realise how life has changed since we stay apart. From what they believe to contrast my personal views sometimes is quite surprisingly horrifying. I would not worry much about some of my friends’ relationship as sometimes it’s very convincible and predictable if you have seen and heard what they done to each other, or how each party has done to another part. This consistently reminds myself to be smart and wise to understand myself, the relationship to people around.
I also would not make a rush decision that everyone cares only about themselves, considering how many charities out there, how many people with tender heart. But it’s factually right that the majority is surrounded with what they believe and what they think right. Living in a fantasy, or a faire tale, and thinking everything will has a very happy ending; this is not wrong, at all, it’s great to have this optimistic thinking about what people believe and how they behave, including myself. This fantasy one day will vanish, as they involve too many other people as usual, when these people think you are bit too much and decide to leave you alone, you probably come to an end wounded and hurt entirely.
I am afraid one day that will happen to me, in person, but I have found I’m getting more and more stressful and nervous about everything recently, even in the holiday, which I suppose to enjoy and relax, but I always stress myself out about the following transportation connection, the people I am going to meet, the meal I am going to eat, and the feeling that people might get. All those things forces me to let myself down and gradually let my friend down, seeing how I treat myself and how I treat people I care.
I hope I could shine as old times that people see my good things in me, let the hard things go, and never come back this often. My friend reminds that: if I’m happy and enjoying what you are doing, you will shine and influence other to share your passion, they will come and join what you are doing in the end. Maybe this is the key, maybe it’s the time to let my stress go and start to enjoy this holiday period.